The Thorn In Your Embrace
by yllektra
Summary: Damon and Elena did kiss in last season's finale and it's tearing poor Elena apart.


**Title:** The Thorn In Your Embrace  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything! :P  
**Characters/Pairings:** Elena-centric (pov), Elena/Damon  
**Spoilers/Warnings:** Based on the tv-show, AU for last season's finale. That kiss between Damon and Elena was real and it is tearing Elena apart.  
**Summary:**You feel split in two, as if dichotomized by the hands of the most exceptional surgeon, but, still, it is no comfort.  
Because this incision, however precise, still causes you to feel fragmented and imperfect.  
Because, however you try to compartmentalize your feelings for Stefan and Damon, they still, somehow, end up in the same space, causing conflict and confusion and anguish.  
**Word Count:** 3203  
**Author's Notes:** We totally need a Damon/Elena kiss... Just saying.. Then I wouldn't have to write it! :P

~ English is not my native language, so excuse any crappiness and/or mistakes!  
_Comments will be greatly appreciated! :) _

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**THE THORN IN YOUR EMBRACE**

_{Don't you know there's a thorn in your embrace?  
It will even show on your face  
Just give it time_

_Don't you know if you let go of my hands  
You are giving up on your plans?  
And that's a crime_

_Don't you know if you betray your own heart  
You will only come apart?  
Just give it time}_

Poor Elena.

You stand before the mirror – a raven-haired girl-and though you look the same, you know something in you is entirely different.

It's like you are changing from the inside out.

There's a guilty longing in your eyes and treacherous moisture on your lips, where Damon kissed you. Where you kissed him back...

Your mind is in a haze, but there's one sentence you keep on repeating inside your head, trying to cling to your sanity.

_"This shouldn't have happened. It shouldn't have happened"_ again and again, till it is the only words you are able to utter for now and for at least –you are sure- until your frenetic heartbeat subsides.

You need some clarity, some focus, like a sailor needs a compass.

Because it feels like you are a lone ship out to sea, disoriented by the waves crashing against you.

Two men, Stefan and Damon, clinging on to you, hanging by your sides, pulling you towards them and you are left there, unsure what to do, where to go, where is safe and where is dangerous.

And you begin to think that there's nowhere exactly safe.

It feels like you are trapped inside a tornado, turning and turning at such speed, that you can't make out what's around you anymore…

_This isn't you_, you tell yourself. This lost and weak person cannot be you.

It's with indignation that you want to slam your tiny fist down on your desk, against the mirror even, erasing every trace of this, shuttering it to pieces.

You feel like you are corroding, like there's rust in your gut –something unholy, dirty- and it is slowly seeping its way out through every crevice in your face.

From your mouth in the form of words, from your eyes in the form of tears…

Your actions are a testament to that.

There's a stain forming where this rust, this miasma slowly slips over your skin and you are scared everyone can see…

Because this stain is not a temporary one you can just wash off.

_It is a snake, a serpent, wiggling its way around you, tightening its grip by the second, causing you to suffocate.  
_

It is not temporary; rather, it is a permanent one, maybe not even a stain, but a deep, _atrocious scar on your body_, a sign of deception.

And you know all about deception.

God knows you have been deceived your whole life, by your parents, your real and your adoptive ones, by your aunt, by most adults in your life.

And you had made a promise to yourself to always stay true and honest to yourself and everyone around you.

But look at you now, Elena...

You have broken that promise on numerous occasions, haven't you?

Initially, you broke your promise to protect your brother, spare him some pain, so at least there was some noble purpose, something you could use as an excuse, to put your mind and conscience at ease.

But now, you keep doing it.

You lie to Stefan, to Damon, but worse even, you lie to yourself and that's one thing that cannot be forgiven or fixed.

You love Stefan, you'd give your life for Stefan and yet, you just kissed Damon only minutes ago.

And you wonder, is it the price you have to pay for becoming an adult?

_Is it really the toll on your -apparently long- way to adulthood?_

Is it the mature thing?

Is it what everyone does when they grow up?

Conveniently conceal, hide things?

Is it acceptable to break someone's heart when you are older?

_Is it okay to shutter hearts to pieces?_

_Even the ones that are not beating? _

Does it make it okay then? 

_Does it feel right by you? Make you feel less guilty, less at fault?_

_And if it did make you feel better, what kind of person would that make you?_

You really are totally different, aren't you, Elena? 

You are not a little girl anymore. Not little and apparently not a girl anymore.

There's something different in your eyes, the same eyes that hold the sorrow you feel deep inside for all the loss and the pretense you have suffered in your life, and you can't tell if what's different is really better or worse.

Is it wisdom? Do you really get wiser when you are faced with situations like there?

You try to console yourself, alleviate what you feel inside by insisting that no one knows what it's like.

No one knows what it feels to be torn inside, broken, tormented by your own thoughts, betrayed by your own feelings.

Because you can fight any enemy, hold even the most horrible of opponents or hardship away, but you cannot fight yourself.

How can you resist and oppose your own self?

How can you fight infection, treason, treachery when it comes from inside you?

_When on the ship of your devotion, there's mutiny, where do you turn to for comfort, for support?  
_

Are you left to sink beneath the depths of your helplessness?

If, at other instances, all you had to do was shield yourself, build a wall around your heart, mind and soul, how can you use the same technique, if the enemy, the traitor is already inside those walls and is a part of you?

When you slowly start building a wall around the feelings a certain someone invokes in you, and when that someone, Damon, seems to respect your decision to ignore your feelings about him and doesn't pressure you, how can you be saved, when it's you who can't respect this decision?

How can you rescue what's left of your dignity when your mind races to him, even when you are with Stefan?

And when Stefan touches you with his knowing hands, enclosing you in his embrace, making you feel small and sheltered and protected, safe even, whispering in your ear his eternal devotion and that no harm will come to you, as long as he is around; how can you make the same promise to him, when if he knew what's on your mind, when if he knew that Damon is still present and moist on your lips,it would break him?

_It would make him want to rid himself of this life and un-life he has been hanging onto for centuries, just for you…  
_

But, you made a choice a while ago, Elena. You chose not to be weak, not to be the girl whose parents died.

You chose not to be the one that got left behind, the one struck by fate.

It all sounded too melodramatic and loss is not drama, it is life, it is reality and _you can't escape reality with fancy words_.

NO, it's life, it's not some play where you act out a part of a girl that cries.

And if it's fate, if it's reality, then you chose to be the girl that moved on, the girl that got away from everything.

The girl that got to have a normal life.

And just when you had put your life back on track, they both appeared.

Stefan and Damon.

Tall, dark and broody.

When you laid eyes on them, you knew your destinies were intertwined.

And when you saw Damon, _really saw him_, it was instant, you knew he was meant for you. You knew you had to save him.

When he looked at you, you felt like he could stare right into the depths of your very soul and what he saw didn't sway him.

How could you refuse a man like that? How could anyone refuse him? 

So, now in front of everyone you have to smile and nod and act as if there's nothing else on your mind and just by looking at Stefan, you feel guilty.

_It was just a kiss_, you counter. _Only a kiss._ _It didn't mean anything.  
_

But you know better than that.

It's not that you don't love Stefan, because you do.

But, now it feels like Damon has _affected_ you.

He has seeped under your skin like an irreversible virus, making you feel ill and dizzy, yet awake, alert and it scares you.

It's like an addiction, knowing it's bad for you, that it's harmful for your body and your soul, but you still can't let go, you can't escape the mesmerizing pull of this attraction.

It makes your skin crawl that someone so against what you believe, can bond you to himself in such a twisted, yet undeniable way, but you have to admit that there already was a spot inside you, where fond feelings for Damon bloomed.

But, now, you can feel it expanding from a tiny spot into a rapidly growing area, like _a blazing fire threatening to blacken everything in its trail_; and you are afraid it's going to take over, demanding more and more space and the possibility of Stefan eventually getting ostracized from your heart, terrifies you.

_You feel split in two, as if dichotomized by the hands of the most exceptional surgeon, but, still, it is no comfort.  
_

Because this incision, however precise, still causes you to feel fragmented and imperfect.

Because, however you try to compartmentalize your feelings for Stefan and Damon, they still, somehow, end up in the same space, causing conflict and confusion and anguish.

They are like two sides of the same coin, they are adverse, but inseparable.

You can't look at one without thinking of the other.

You take a deep breath, close your eyes and Stefan's perfectly chiseled face comes into focus, smiling and loving and caring, yet your lips are burning still and when you touch them with your fingertips, it's Damon's mischievous smirk you see, it's his devilishly disarming eyes, hiding their torment behind their deep blue, you can't stop looking at.

They are not so different from each other, you think. Damon and Stefan.

They are like the same person.

_Beautiful, untamed, tormented, desperate to appear strong and decisive, despite their pain and insecurities._

Damon just found a better way of hiding it.

A façade of cruelty.

But deep down, he is not cruel or hard, not any more than his own nature of being a vampire dictates.

No one is impervious to the hunger, the voracious appetite for blood that obscures everything.

Stefan may have tried harder, but he still succumbed at some point and he only came back, because he had you.

Damon had no one, you think and for a moment you close your eyes, trying to hold back your tears.

You wonder what it must feel to be this alone and lonely for all eternity.

With no one to support you, no point of reference, no sanctuary, no bosom to cry in.

You already know the stories about his past. Their past and how his father never approved of him. Never really had a relationship with him.

And just like that you know, that despite appearances, Damon is the _weakest_ of the two.

He is the one who is wordlessly crying out for help, for saving.

He is the one who turned to the easy solution, numbness, evil, because he could not deal with the whirlwind of emotions showering him from every direction.

He was too weak to face them, while Stefan was strong enough to stand up to them, accept responsibility and try to move on.

_Damon just flees responsibility, because the overwhelming weight of what he has done, of the choices he has made, would crush him.  
_

There's a certain hint of mortality, futility in him. Fragility even and maybe that is why you find yourself drawn to him.

Like there's a part of him that sings deeps inside of you, that lulls all your insecurities to sleep, because in a sense he is _as vulnerable as you_, even though his hands could kill you in the blink of a second.

The feel of his lips on yours, still haunts you.

The way his eyes were wet before he kissed you and how deep a shade of blue they were – like the sea after the storm- the way his hair fell over his forehead in such a way that made you want to brush your fingers through it.

His scent, an intoxicating mixture of musk, raw masculinity and just the faintest hint of mint and rosemary. Strong, distinctive, addictive...

There's no escape now, no cure, nothing you can do or un-do.

What is done, cannot be undone.

You can't take this kiss back or erase it from your memory.

There's something inside of you now, something that you can't take out anymore.

There's a thorn in your embrace, when you hug Stefan, when you wrap your hands around yourself...

And this thorn will always be there.

_It's going to prick and it's going to hurt –perhaps a tiny pain, but not one that can be ignored.  
_

It will always be there.

It might not be agonizing, but it's going to be persistent, nagging and it will definitely _prevent _you from ever being truly happy, truly content.

And Stefan will never be truly content, either.

No one is going to be happy unless you pluck it out, _if you can…_

Stefan is going to feel it in his gut that something is out of reach, that _there's a part of you he can never tou_ch, a piece of you he can never claim as his own, like he let you claim his all as your own.

Ironic, isn't it?

If a creature which has lived for over a century, which has witnesses the worlds' wonders is able to open his heart to you, bare his insides long enough to uncover his soul- whether it's there or not- if he can be so transparent and honest, _why can't you_?

Why can't you be like that?

Why can't you find it in you to extend the same courtesy, the same honesty and love?

Why is it that your love is not as strong?

Knowing how fleeting life is as a mortal, why can't you find it in you, to love him completely and unconditionally, become a worthy and –why not?- equal partner for the rest of your life, leaving him fulfilled and complete and happy?

It seems you are not who you thought you were, Elena.

You always believed you were an honest, decent person and that having lost your parents at an early age has made you stronger and more sympathetic to anyone in need.

But, maybe, who you fail to understand is your own self and your needs.

Because even though you want to be happy, you feel it.

_It is there already._

_That thorn._

_That thorn in your embrace._

_That tiny, little acumen deep inside your flesh._

_And it pricks both ways. Not just Stefan, but you, as well._

You feel it stiffening inside you, vibrating and it makes you shiver.

Is it out of fear or is it because the longer it is in there, the longer you acknowledge it, the more real it becomes, _the less alien it feels_?

If you accept it, then you might as well admit to your feelings for Damon.

And that you can't do.

So you clench your fists and your teeth and pray that you can keep living, keep breathing, keep pretending...

For as long as it takes, for as long as it takes for you to never hurt anyone around you.

Not Stefan, not Jeremy, not Bonnie who loathes Damon even more than Stefan.

And as you place your lips on Stefan's tonight, you know you will bite them till they bleed, so that they don't form the name of another, his brother, but you tell yourself it's just as well, because no one will ever know there's a thorn in your embrace.

_You will just leave this thorn inside, until it bleeds you out..._

~ Fin ~


End file.
